|Kimberly Renee Shah|
Life takes us through many phases, ones which bring people in and out of our lives. Throughout our existence we develop relationships with certain ones whom which we create a bond. Regardless of how you want to define it they are Someone to you. Something exciting happens in your day and you want to call them to share the news. If a grievous event happens and without hesitation they are by your side. That Someone is important to you and at times you feel as if you couldn’t live without. This doesn’t mean there has to be only one Someone, there could be one whom which you share the same interests, one who works in the same industry as you, but regardless, these special people in your life are the ones you think of first, you go to, you share the laughter and the tears with and are cherished.
I am No One. I am not the one you think of in these moments of joy and pain. I am not the one who you think to share your funny story of the day. I am No One. As I write this, I am sure you will immediately jump to defense that this is not true, how can it be because I am loved. I know I am loved, never did I say I wasn’t. But the truth of the matter is, I am nobody’s somebody. That is the truth. How did this become? It is a harrowing feeling to live with.
Once I was Someone, but now I am not…an afterthought as you move down the list. I do not seek pity from reality, I am just expressing what is. Sad really, because I have great ears if you need someone to just listen. I can give an opinion without judgement if that is what you need. I laugh…I love to laugh. I love…it’s one of the greatest gifts one can give. I have lived out many adventures throughout the world have many stories to share. I am a dreamer, an expressionist, a communicator and an explorer, but I am not Someone.
I sit surrounded by these grey walls as No One as the beauty I once saw in this wondrous life is growing bleak. Certainly living like this I will not become Someone anytime soon. The quandary it is how to break this cycle. I cry, but I am told not to. I express my feelings of loneliness, but I am told to just be happy. I am not understood, but I suppose I never really have been throughout my life. A lonely way to live.
A thought came to me the other day; Would people notice if I disappeared? The honest answer would be, that it would take several days, perhaps a week or two before anyone realized. Before you jump to think I am crazy, step back and look at your life. When would someone notice if you stepped off the grid? For anyone who knows me, think of what I am to you, because I am certainly not your Someone. That is okay, it’s not a guilt trip or anything said to make you feel bad. I just speak the truth.
I am loved. I have family who cares. I have friends I enjoy sharing my time and doing things with. I have fun. I care passionately for my family and call as much as I can, fore there are many of them and only one of me so covering them all every day is impossible. But I pick up the phone once a day to call someone in my family, because they are my Someone. I pick up the phone once a day to call a friend because they are Someone too. But me…I am No One and that’s the simple truth.
Lost in a blazing light blinded and cannot see. Walking the ledge from high above, I loose my balance and reach out to you. I need you, but you turn your back without hesitation knowing I will fall. Anticipation of the impact is unbearable.
Like crystal dropped on a marble floor, shattered and hopeless to repair, you step in too late to sweep me up, an irreparable mess. Only a miracle can place my broken pieces together again.
Hope kept you from throwing out what you let break. Determined to repair what was shattered, you melt and remould the broken pieces together to create something new. It's stronger and more beautiful than before. Still holding its essence of what made it priceless before, now it's a masterpiece.
Taking my creative energy in a direction of written expression is something I haven't really done much until recently. I have written, but not in an unedited, raw way with passion and carelessness of what everyone else thinks. Everyone's a critic. A while back I wrote a small piece on "Don't Be me" and the life people have tried very hard to corner me in since living here. I suppose this is the straw which broke the camel's back. I am what I am, I love me and I needed to be free.
Poetry...NEVER had it crossed my mind to write in such a manner. With the lyrical cryptic word play and soulful meaning you have to dig deep to grasp at times, I could appreciate yet had no desire to create myself. Then one day with my fragmented brain in a state of frustration and my heart feeling lonely, I wrote a poem. Stepping away from it I looked at it and thought "Oh shit! I just wrote that, and it's good!" Knowing it needed a bit of fine tuning I connected with a old friend from back in the days of The Vogue. Little did I know he would soon become my trusted confident, inspiration, guru who has encouraged me to let my heart felt be the inspiration and to use my words fearlessly.
After spending long hours of a morning, letting our creative juices flow, sharing work and picking music to flow to, my world opened to way of expressing myself I never knew I had in me. Putting my heart and soul on my sleeve, here is the first piece of a new chapter in my life. Blessed to have been encouraged by many who have been positive influences throughout this challenging time, I release my first piece to you...
DIRECTIONS: play, listen, read & njoy
Being a girl who likes to go for speed, turning it down a notch and trying to run slow is a humbling and difficult experience.
Taking my training back to basics is essential for the process for many reasons.
What an amazing feeling it was to go out and comfortably float through a 20km without discomfort, fatigue or aches and pains hours afterwards. Humbling to run at a much slower pace than what I am used to, that's for sure. I am not sure I can run much slower and it not become too hard on my body and loose form. There is nothing like a good run to solve all your problems and process feelings. I truly can say today was the best I have felt all year! Running makes me happy.
When two girls from the fitness industry get together and work on our synchronizing with finger exercises. It is always great to have friends come to town and have fun. Even better when it's is with a brilliant fitness master. It is moments like this which help me get through the hard times of living alone here.
Are you happy living there? The magic question I am asked all the time. I was happy living here. I was very happy living here and then I started opening myself up to people and allowing people to get to know Me. Then I became unhappy living here. I suppose you can say I am happy here as long as I follow these guidelines which so many people have been kind enough to share with me. This is not just one or two people, this is a weekly, almost daily thing from people I encounter, randomly meet and grow to know. I was happy here until too many people started telling me not to be me.
Apparently I am too emotional because I express and talk about how I feel. Being direct and telling people how you feel so there is no confusion is wrong here. I am not to be happy or sad or angry or anything really. That is too much - I am suppose to just be.
Apparently I am too critical because I observe things and tell it how I see it. Which observing something and telling how I see things doesn't mean at all that I don't approve or see it as wrong or faulty. So with this, I am very confused on how that is critical. Yet the words "You are too critical." is exactly what I am told.
Apparently being direct, open and honest is wrong here and I need to 'chill'. Being lied to, cheated and hurt over and over again and expressing I am displeased about this, in addition to holding people accountable for their actions is in fact my fault. Accountability for your actions of what you do to other people does not exist.
Apparently I am not to be me. That's what will help me fit in and be accepted. I shouldn't express myself, have an opinion or hold anyone accountable for their actions and all will be happy and great in this world. Sounds great, eh? I would never tell people how they need to be or how to live. So perhaps what amazes me most is how appropriate people think it is to tell others how I should live. Especially when it has no direct impact on their life!
Interestingly enough it is men here, only men, and a lot of them, who have told me this is how I need to be. This makes me question; Is the need to repress women here that much and it has just taken me this long realized this and completely experience it? Honestly, it is begining to make me miserable. But in the same hand, I find it quite fascinating these men believe they need that much power where they feel the need to tell women how they feel they should be.
The battle continues as I fight to keep me.
Regaining my happiness we will see.
Being true to myself will set me free.
But can only happen if you let me be.
Some would even tell me not to write this, or ask 'why, why would you write something like this?' The honest answer is, because this is what I experience on an every single day basis. It starts to put wear and tear on you. It starts to make you afraid to be the person you really are. It begins to paralyze you and make you second guess yourself. I find human behavior fascinating and want to understand why men feel the need to do this relentlessly and if other women experience this as well.
I started writing years ago when people began asking me to write because they wanted to read about all the places I went and things I did. So I wrote because people wanted it. Soon I began to love it and enjoyed sharing my stories. It helped me look at the world differently.
I have always been someone who loves different. I love how people have different thoughts from one another, live lives in ways I could never imagine. That is what makes this world so beautiful. I have always respected people for living their life how they want as long as they were true to their self and didn't purposefully hurt others while doing it. Apparently I am wrong for appreciating those things as well. I am not suppose to appreciate simple and different or the daily things in life.
Loving and living in this country has been something I have taken pride in for endless reasons. It is an amazing and beautiful place to be. What I love so much about it is how different every state is; in the way of life, language and culture. It is things like this which have made me feel like home. However, the feeling of having people try to take away the freedom of letting me be me is not a good feeling at all. Something I have never experienced in all my life until over the past year. This is what is slowly starting to chip away at me and I don't like it.
This is what I struggle with. This is what makes me unhappy about living here. Only time will tell how long I can endure it or find a balance to live with this constant battle. As hurtful as it is to battle this every single day, I find it ironic because everything I am told I am 'too much' this or that or how I need to be one way or the other - it is exactly what I don't want to be.
Life should be lived, enjoyed, appreciated, respected...it is precious; from the small simple daily rituals to the big momentous acts in life.
At least I can laugh about it. I will never think I am a good singer, but I will always be up for a good time. It’s hard for me to make friends, so when I do, they are people I truly want in my life. Letting my hair down and not caring at all how horrible I sing, so we can all laugh at it later is part of making priceless moments I will cherish forever.
It's great to be 39 and still have slumber parties with girlfriends. It's even better we know how to do it with good wine and in different countries around the world! Cheers to good laughs and busting out the Hindi in Dubai!
All the places you go, all the things in life you experience, you never know where you will find yourself, never knowing when life begins for you. Life begins unexpected when you least expect it.